Mental health
It Can Be Hard
It’s embarrassing to admit to yourself you’re exhausted mentally from carrying too much in your own mind
It’s overwhelming to admit you need help when you do everything you can to have control over everything in your mind and world
You keep putting one foot in front of the other
You keep using the tools you have
You cry in the bathroom
You cry in the garage switching the laundry
Then wipe your tears and show up strong for your babies
You won’t cry all over them
Won’t cover their minds with depression won’t let this spill onto them
You’re holding up the world
Holding your boundaries strong and you are so fucking tired
You wake up at night from nightmares
Anxiety
Fear
Guilt
All the things that plague you
You’ve done work healing yourself and are so much better then you once were and yet the depression has returned
It’s just a phase
You know this
You also know you can’t do this alone
Can’t manage depression with children
You have to speak about it
Have to let it out
Have to let the light in
You know the emotional hangover
You know the heaviness
You know the constant fear
You know the fight to keep it all at bay with all your tools
You know surrender and faith over fear
You force yourself to eat because you know not eating leads to other issues
You fluctuate between wanting to starve yourself to wanting to over eat
You eat with moderation because that is self care, that is love and you refuse to let the depression, the anxiety, the whatever the fuck you want to call it take away your right to care for your body.
You fight to work out with the small amount of motivation you have
The kids have needs all day you cater to them
You do your best
You’re terrified almost every second of everyday you will mess them up
Your depression will cloud their life
They want to watch tv all day
So do you
You’re tired
You want to numb out
You yell for them to stay off the tv but it’s what you want
You fight yourself
You cry alone
You reach out for help then make it seem like you are fine
You are fine
You are so good at appearing fine
Your brain feels attacked
Something is feeding on the meat that is your brain
A beast
I horrible, relentless, beast
You refuse to suffer that way anymore.
You start taking DHA/EPA
You start taking electrolytes
You give your body more nutrition
A few days later you notice the light
A few days later you can laugh
A few days later there is no beast eating away at the organ you need most to get through each day,
Dare I say you feel joy, you feel okay, you feel capable of doing all the things you need to do, don’t like doing, and love doing.
You love doing things.
To all the people out there struggling with depression,
Don’t give up on yourself.
If medication is what you feel you need, go toward that…
If supplements are what you feel you need, go toward that…
If therapy or a group AA or ALANON or ACA class is what you need, go toward that.
If talking with a a friend or a stranger is what you need, go toward that.
If getting outside in nature is what you need, go toward that. Keep taking steps, one after the next.
You know yourself better than anyone and we need you with all of your light and all of your darkness.
You got this.
Love Always,
Danielle Mallett
