Being An Author
Struggles Of An Author
Every time I get to the end of a book my low self esteem kicks into high gear.
It’s been loud.
Cruel.
Deafening.
I’ve been leaving the book.
I refuse to work under this kind of pressure.
I remind myself finishing this book is my choice.
I know I’m doing too much.
I know I’m tired.
I know I don’t have the band with to finish this book right now with the limited time I have to myself.
I know these cruel voices are a sign I am exhausted and need rest.
So I rest when I can.
I remind myself there is no deadline.
I write for my mental health and to connect with others and I share it right now.
That feels good and scary, but mostly good.
The old familiar thoughts return
Maybe they never left
“It’s not worth it
Using your voice
Your voice doesn’t matter
So what a few people are reading your posts, what does that change?
Let go of your dream of being an author, it’s a child’s dream, you’re an adult.
Just do adult things
Stop being a dreamer
Stop being a writer
Stop thinking your voice matters
It doesn’t.”
I write anyway.
I take breaks when the voice is too loud because it’s not a voice I chose to give power over my life, anymore.
I rest in the days of my busy life
I give myself a break from writing
I witness the thoughts
Today though
Today they are too loud
So here I am
In this short poem
Saying
“I hear you,
You’re hurt,
You wish the author dream looked different,
You want to give up,
You don’t have to do anything,
You can relax,
You’ve done your part, written your books.
now it’s time for someone else to write.
Relax little hurt one,
Relax,
I got this and I promise your voice matters
I hear you.
Every voice matters
I’m listening
Even if nobody else is “, I will always listen to you and you matter to me.
Now relax I got this.”
Inner bully
Somedays you wake up and your inner bully takes the mic
What a bitch those days are!
Your inner bully knows every thing to say to hurt you, to make you feel small, afraid, isolated, and it loves having control.
The more control you give it, the louder it gets, it knows you too well.
Today after two days of living with my inner bully I said, “ I get to choose what I listen to and believe and I choose kindness:”
I put in meditations about miracle mindsets by gabby
Miracles Are Easier Than You Think! | Gabby Bernstein
I listened to this:
I dragged my heavy body and cruel mind to the gym and got on the elliptical
The TVs were full of fear
Narcissists
Diet trends
Murder mysteries
Drug addictions
Depression
I looked around,
Everyone on their own personal island trapped in their mind
How is it that these miraculous brains that have the ability to focus on anything we choose become these heavy suffocating mental tapes that separate us and keep us inside of internal battles?
Instead of surrendering to the bully I said, “Not today. I am doing the best I can and that is the best I can do. I can choose kindness.”
Choose kindness in a world of cruelty
Choose love in face of fear
One day and one moment at a time ✌️
Love Always,
Danielle Mallett
