Honoring My Mom, Surviving Motherhood, and Finding Peace in Nature

Today would have been my mom’s 60th birthday had she lived past 23 years old.

I wonder about the life she is living now: the life she’s lived since leaving her earth body. Now she is in everything. She is everywhere. In all the little details.

Today when I woke up and saw her picture hanging in my closet, I wished her a happy birthday and went to train my clients.

I felt less present with them and more scattered.

It was mostly because I was woken up at 1 a.m. with a screaming baby who had an ear infection. This incident, after one week of caring for children and my elderly aunt with pneumonia, had me feeling loopy.

In the morning, when it came time to leave my kids, they both cried and coughed and held me like I might not ever return. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. All I needed was a few hours to myself, even if those hours were spent coaching clients.

The truth is I’m not a saint. No mom is a saint, but we all come pretty damn close considering the amount of endless work we are doing.

The truth is I’m not superhuman, but some weeks I have to be, or the ship will sink and everyone will fall apart. Or maybe that won’t, but it feels that way.

I got in my car and screamed.

It felt good to let the anger out.

After my clients, I sat and listened to the birds. I felt my nervous system panicked and on edge. I felt the need to text the babysitter and ask if the kids were okay.

Instead, I put the phone down and said they’re fine; she can call me if they aren’t.

I listened to the birds and stared at the trees, and peace washed over me.

Then I noticed the flowers all around.

It’s springtime!

I got up and took pictures of flowers. Close-up pictures. Far-away pictures. So many pictures. Get ready to see a lot of flower pictures with these upcoming posts!

With each snap, I said, “Happy birthday, Mom.”

And I felt her around me.

I saw her in the colors of the flowers.

In the newness of spring.

In the beauty of nature.

So this is a reminder from me to you to get out in nature today if you can. Or to buy yourself some flowers.

Nature heals.

Love Always,

Danielle Mallett