1st Day of Kindergarten

Loving your kids, with a lot of demand

If you really want to break your heart and have it fill up with more love than you know what to do, have kids.

Then be mostly SAHM. Breastfeed on demand for two years. Bond with them. Really bond with them. Soak in the time. Delight in watching them grow. If you can, settle into the rhythm and changes.

Then five years will vanish and your baby will be going to kindergarten. One day their chubby little legs will be stomping and finding balance, then it’s five years later and they will be hanging up their backpack, taking out their lunch and water, stepping inside of a new classroom.

Yesterday there were a swarm of parents all huddled in tight to their kinder babies. We all walked side by side to class. We all followed directions and helped our kids into class.

Today was the second day for drop off and there were less parents. The parents stood back as the kinder babies formed a line. The parents gave their little ones space as they walked a few feet behind them.

Tomorrow I suspect there will be even less parents. The drop offs will get more casual as everyone feels more adjusted.

Oh god, then one day we will be parents who just drop them off at the gate and watch them walk in without us beside them. Someone will need to drive my car for me that day because I won’t be able to see through the tears.

It’s mind numbingly slow the days home, the days teaching them to throw a ball, to ride a bike. It’s monotonous. It’s exhausting. It’s also precious. It goes so fast and then you’re in the next phase.

Here we are, at the beginning of kindergarten

My mom wasn’t there when I started kinder garden or any other grade past pre-school. I’m not sure what a healthy thriving mom and child relationship looks or feels like, but I suspect it’s this.

My son came home from school and said the day was long, he cried, he missed me.

I told him, I missed him too, I cried too.

With each phase where his independence grows I am both proud, grateful, and heartbreakingly sad. Because I love him I will continue to give him the space he needs to fuel his independent and also the closeness to know what it feels like to have healthy interdependence. I will give him room to grow and fly because I know I won’t always be here and the more time he has in this world feeling confident navigating this world alone, the stronger he will be.

He will have both. I will have both. I get to be the mom I needed. That’s a gift and it’s heartbreaking in other ways.

Our bond will continue to grow. We will get closer. We will both experience the pure innocent love between a mom and her son. Then life will change us. Things will push us further a part, then bring us close, and inevitably one of us will die. God willing it will be me first. Well that took a turn. Maybe this should be titled from kindergarten to death. Ha!

Okay I’m off to play with playdough now with my 2 1/2 year old. Pretty soon she will be starting pre-school and I’ll be real shook then too. The only reason I am sharing this is to normalize feeling human. Feeling grief. Feeling connected to our growing babies and learning how to navigate giving them the space they need. We are all doing it in our own ways and we are in this together, even though it feels very isolating.

Love always,

Danielle Mallett