This Seed
To hear the audio version check out my Substack below.
Somewhere along the way this seed was planted in my mind and it sprouted and it started to grow a very convincing story. It told me,
"I will be at peace when this life ends.”
It told me,
“I don’t have to hurt anymore and that all the pain will go away when I die.”
It told me,
“I am waste of space, it’s okay to give up. life is hard, why suffer anymore.”
It’s ironic bc religion promises all of these realities in the afterlife, like everlasting peace, union with God, heaven for eternity. So why not die to get to that kingdom of heaven?
The seed grew and became a tree, lulling me toward it, convincing me to climb into isolation, to nuzzle into the shadow, to believe there was no purpose for my existence.
I used to think of my Uncle Happy. Him opening his door to me, in his flannel top, suspenders, jeans pulled up around his belly button, thick glasses and chocolate. Always handfuls of chocolate. I’d think about his smile, his hugs, our short conversations. I’d think about how I admired him for being so happy, even after his wife died and his children left. He still had that twinkle in his eye.
To this day I still see him greeting me at the door, hand stretched open with tiny square chocolates in his large Dutch hand.
And I’m happy to stay in denial about how he killed himself.
I’m happy to ignore the suffering in the world,
all the pain, all the inevitable loneliness and loss that comes with loving someone and losing them.
And deciding life is too painful.
But then there was Kyle, a kid I’d only met a handful of times. A kid I hardly knew.
But when I found out he killed himself I broke inside.
He had his entire life ahead of him and in a moment he changed everything.
He climbed into that tree of isolation, looking for god in darkness, searching for connection through pain and he became another statistic.
Suicide kills 1 out of 5
People
in the U.S?
I know there's only one way to remove the suicidal seed planted in my mind As a child,
And the roots that helped build my foundation
and it's to write about it.
To speak about it
To shine a light on it
Needless to say, this is a depressing topic.
So I spend time fictionalizing the sadness.
I spread it out across characters.
I pour it into them,
And then I show them a way out of the hurt.
In hopes that the people who read my stories will feel less alone and less afraid to love, connect, and share their stories.
In order to remove the suicidal seeds that were planted when I was young I have to write about it.
And to remind myself that it is a success to live with this seed and to love myself everyday.
For youth struggling with mental health,
Quote about Cashleigh’s mission.
“We firmly believe that prevention is better than a cure, and by connecting youth with telehealth talk therapy providers for ongoing support, they will be empowered to address their mental health concerns before they escalate into crises.
At The Cashleigh Foundation, we are driven by the profound conviction that Cashleigh’s tragic suicide could have been prevented. Her story underscores a heartbreaking reality: timely access to mental health support can save lives by preventing a mental health crisis.
Our mission is to eliminate these barriers by providing immediate access to therapy and support for youth in need. We are committed to ensuring that every young person has the resources and care they require to address their mental health challenges without delay.
By offering free telehealth therapy, we strive to create a world where every child has the opportunity to receive the help they need when they need it, sparing other families from the devastating loss we have endured.
Together, we can make a difference. Together, we can prevent more tragedies and honor Cashleigh’s memory by fostering a future where every young person has the chance to thrive.”
Dear Suicidal Ideation,
Love always,
Danielle Mallett
