Surviving the Storm

15 Sept

Admittedly I wanted to kill myself when I was 15 years old

After you chased me into a corner of the kitchen with a butchers knife,
held it inches from my face and screamed,
“You want to kill yourself, fucking do it!”

I saw the fire in your eyes and I realized
I wanted to kill myself to make you hurt
the way you made me hurt
I wanted to have control over something in my life
and the choice to kill myself consumed my thoughts

Your love was never a safe place from the storm
it was the storm,
it was the hurricane,
it was the earthquake,
and the fires,
it was the natural destruction that destroys
everyone who comes near it and
in that moment you forced my hand,
called out my depression,
and showed me I didn’t have the balls to go through with it,
but it didn’t stop my mind from being against me,
it didn’t stop my mind from thinking of ways to die,
from ways to escape the pain,

I learned that I am here for a reason even if I can’t see that reason sometimes

Most days I am able to rest into gratitude for another day
and into the vow I’ve made with myself
to never turn that kind of violence upon myself
no matter how broken
no matter how lost
no matter what stories my mind weaves

I will not inflict permanent violence upon myself
in order to escape the misery in my mind

I crave mental health and reach for it
like a person drowning reaches for anything that will keep them afloat

I’ve reached for mental stability like a rock climber hanging off the edge of a mountain gripping with everything they have to survive.

We lost another to suicide last night, one I knew well.

He was a storm,
rarely a safe place.

Death by suicide feels too layered with pain.

It leaves too many questions of what could I have done to stop it, feelings of responsibility, self-blame, and sure death in general brings these things up, but when a person willingly kills themselves, it somehow makes us wonder

what did I do wrong?

could I have helped?

The truth is, suicide kills people the way cancer kills people.
They both internally eat away at healthy cells, spread illness, and one day take over the miraculous workings of your brain.

We need each other to survive

We are social creatures.
The moment you find yourself alone convincing yourself you don’t need anyone and nobody needs you is the moment you need someone most.

Maybe you’ve recently lost someone.
Maybe you feel you can’t go on with out that person.
Maybe someone broke your heart and you want them to hurt the way you do.

None of these are good reasons to take yourself out of this life.
You are not alone in feeling the way you do.
Plenty of people have felt that way and called 988 or texted 988 or written into the suicide hotline or called a friend or family member. Even more people have walked into a random store or gone anywhere just to be near humans and feel less alone.

It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help, it’s a sign of strength.

988 Lifeline Organization
Don’t become another statistic that lets the disease of suicide kill you.
It can be overcome with help.
We need you.