Seeing Your Parents as Human

This post is for anyone with complicated family dynamics, which is just a nice way of saying you come from a dysfunctional family. I’m not just talking about parents. I’m talking about adults who you looked up to.

You’re not alone.

Sometimes it feels like you’re living in isolation and nobody could understand you or what you’re dealing with, but it’s not true. There are too many people out there who come from abusive parents, addict parents, narcissistic parents, undiagnosed mental disordered parents, parents stuck in grief, basically we all come from human beings who are dealing not always with their flawed parents and this complicated life and it can all get very messy.

Sometimes it’s the people you trust most that catch you off guard and almost always the ones you place on a pedestal. If you think someone is angelic and giving and selfless it’s likely they will fall from grace and show their true human colors.

Or maybe I’m just saying that as someone who has been hurt by those I've trusted. Maybe it’s a skewed lens, but it’s something I’ve noticed often.

None of us are perfect and to deem someone flawless is to set yourself up for unnecessary hurt. At the same time you don’t want to walk around not trusting anyone or believing in the goodness in humans.

So what am I saying….basically if you’ve been blindsided, unhinged, disappointed, heart broken, deceived, or felt unsafe from someone or multiple people in your life it just means you loved deeply.

Personally I choose to never stop loving the humans who raised me. If I stop loving them I become cold and bitter and jaded. That’s not who I am.

However, at some point I had to stop looking up to them and see them for the humans they are and the choices they have made. That’s part of being an adult.

I hope I don’t disappoint my children the way I have been disappointed, but I suspect it's possible. Because at some point they will discover my humanity, my flaws, and that will inevitably be disappointing.

Or maybe if we all are a little more vulnerable with our flaws, honest with our mistakes, and own up to the choices we've made, there will be more room for forgiveness.

No matter what, just know that having a dysfunctional family says nothing about your worthiness.

You deserve love that shows up.

Love that feels safe.

Love that is honest and forgiving.

Love always,

Danielle Mallett