How ‘Come As You Are’ Helped Me Reclaim My Sex Life as a Busy Mom

Remember Sex and The City and how Carrie Bradshaw’s writing and opinions on sex were narrated on each episode?

That’s how I feel most days in my own head. Only instead of my brain commenting on sex, it’s commenting on all things mom life and living in the USA during the second Trump administration.

I’d rather my mind be focused on sex because at least that’s something enjoyable.

So today I’m going to share with you a book that has changed my life. Well, my sex life.

This book is called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski PhD

This book breaks down our anatomical parts and the ways we feel arousal. She says many times:

We have all the same parts they are just organized differently.

She explains that some people have a sensitive breaks, and some have sensitive accelerators.

From this book, I learned that being a mom with endless to do lists and taking care of constant needs leads to my breaks being on a lot. I have sensitive breaks. It doesn’t take much for me to feel touched out, overwhelmed, and want nothing to do with sex. And yet, that’s not fully true.

Underneath the stress, I do want sex, and she helped me understand this part of myself better, which has led to me having more sex.

Some people when they feel stressed out have a sensitive accelerator. Their anxiety, stress, and overwhelm leads to them wanting more sex to relieve those feelings. She shares about many couples where one of the people has the sensitive breaks and the other has sensitive accelerators. She shares how to work with these things in a relationship.

She talks about loving and trusting your body, looking in the mirror and telling yourself something you love and appreciate about your body. Then she suggest having your partner do the same. Have them look at you and tell you what they love. That seems like the ultimate act of vulnerability.

This book inspired me to start meditating again. If you have sensitive breaks she explains how being mindful of touch, sensations, smells, and noticing signals that turn on sex related things can help your accelerator. She says to pay attention to sexy context. Increase the sexiness of your day.

She talks about the three parts that have to come together, the liking, wanting, and learning parts of our brain.

Liking is the idea of if something feels good or bad. We decide yes we like or no we don't.

Wanting is the part that feels desire and the search for safety and affection, it wants to get closer or further away.

Learning is what we learned that teaches us hey this is sex related and I like/want it or I didn't learn that was good and I don't want/like it.

It is much more complex than this, but that is my watered down version. This is a fabulous book to listen to on audible while doing endless dishes and laundry, it makes it wayyyyy more enjoyable.

If you want to better understand you or your partners sexual desire check this book out. It is phenomenal!

Love always,

Danielle Mallett