I Am Not My Thoughts
I have this new vision board that says, “Don’t believe everything you think.”
I think about it a lot, especially when I get intrusive thoughts.
I’ve been meditating for 20 years and have been aware of my body, my mind, and my spirit for at least that long.
I say this not to brag, but to tell you why I know the difference between a passing thought and an intrusive one.
Passing thoughts be like:
Why is this little girl standing so close to me?
Where are her parents?
Oh my goodness, she is holding my hand.
This is strange and sweet, but again, where are her parents?
Oh, there they are,
Oh, they have accents,
Maybe this is normal behavior in their culture.
She is a sweet girl.
These thoughts are usually a commentary on what is happening.
That scenario actually happened today when I was at a cafe waiting for my daughter’s blueberry muffin.
Intrusive thoughts be like:
Wow, that hotel is tall, look at that top level, imagine jumping out of that window.
This is followed by a sense of peace. Everything is quiet.
You see your body falling.
You feel at peace with this intrusion.
The light turns red.
You drive and feel dazed. What was that?
Now the passing thoughts are back, but you are questioning yourself, your mental health, the descriptiveness of the scenario, and how peaceful it had you feeling. Now you are reminding yourself:
You love your life.
You smile at your daughter in the backseat.
It’s her 3rd birthday today.
She talks about boogers, and you laugh with her.
You’re okay.
You are okay.
She tells you to honk the horn as you drive through the tunnel.
You do.
You take deep breaths and remind yourself not to believe everything you think.
You run from squirrels at Lovers Point in Monterey, CA, and head to the beach.
The two of you climb the rocks.
You feel panicked thinking of either of you falling, but especially her. She’s so precious.
She has too much life left to live.
You get to the tallest peak.
A thought says:
Or maybe you jump from here.
Maybe you die this way.
There is less peace this time.
This time, you think about being sprawled out and broken, not dead, no peace with this scenario.
Immediately, you wonder how many people have thoughts like this?
Is it normal?
Are you normal? Is it suicidal ideation returning?
Am I just tired from lack of sleep?
Is this just an old highway in my brain that sometimes gets activated? Why today of all days?
These kinds of intrusive thoughts are exhausting. It makes simple tasks 1,000xs harder.
Was it triggered by all the trash outside of my son’s school?
Was it seeing a grown man’s pants on the ground for two days next to empty whiskey bottles and bags of dog shit littering the earth that started this?
Is it the fact that we all just walk by it, too busy to do anything about it? Is it that I’m angry and tired and supposed to be happy because it’s my daughter’s birthday? Is it because I’ve been looking back at what my body went through to give her life?
5 days of labor.
5 hours of pushing with a fever.
Feelings of neglect.
Feelings of helplessness.
Now here we are 3 years later, as if that never happened.
Who knows why they returned today?
I wonder if this is just part of life and if it ever goes away?
I can see the beauty. The bees are smelling the flowers. The pink flowers outside my window.
I can feel the sand between my toes at the beach.
I can feel my daughter’s tiny growing hand in mine.
I am not numb.
I am not missing any of this, and yet, these thoughts return a shadow to me that I wish no longer existed.
The only reason I’m writing this down and sharing it is that May is mental health awareness month.
Maybe for some people being aware of their thoughts brings with it,
at times,
intrusive thoughts
thoughts that idealize leaving this life.
That doesn’t mean we will act on those thoughts or that we need to be watched or worried about.
It just means our brains run differently.
We feel too much sometimes.
Our imaginations somehow link death to peace.
The difference is—these days I cherish every moment.
Even the tired ones, especially the tired ones, because I am here to experience this life.
That is a blessing.
All my love!
