Do You Fight Your Thoughts?

I spent a lot of years fighting against my own mind.

I didn’t know what intrusive thoughts were.

I didn’t know what suicidal ideation was.

I didn’t know that fighting and resisting my thoughts made them louder and more annoying.

All I knew was I felt lonely, anxious, and being with my own thoughts at times felt crippling.

I got through it with strong friendships that reminded me often that I wasn’t alone, I was loved, and it would get better.

Despite the kind and loving people in my life, I kept making choices that led me further into a hurt, depressive, stressed-out state.

If I wasn’t fighting myself or a romantic relationship, I was doubling down on meditation, writing, working out, positive affirmations, vision boards, vitamins, anything that gave me a moment of peace.

After moving 7 times in one year, I had a mental break.

I hit my rock bottom.

My self-esteem was obliterated, and the intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation were louder than ever.

I forced myself to join a group of women making vision boards.

I latched onto what had saved me in the past.

It helped.

I stared at that board until those visions came into my reality.

I met my now husband at the height of my depression, and his kindness had me in tears daily.

I felt too fucked up to receive his love

Too broken.

I started seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist at that time, and she helped me build lasting tools.

Years of that combined with vitamins, specifically a professional-grade fish oil, have quieted the intrusive thoughts.

I am grateful for the space between my thoughts, something I dreamed possible, but rarely experienced.

If you are struggling with your mental health, don’t give up on yourself.

Find help.

Find supplements.

Find medication.

Find movement.

Find friends.

Find everything you need.

You are not alone, and there is love out there waiting to shower you with hope, kindness, and relief.

In honor of mental health awareness month, I am sharing shorter pieces for May, maybe for the rest of this year.

I will continue posting twice a week.

Not a lot of structure. (The way I like it.)

Just me showing up with vulnerable truths about being human and living with intrusive thoughts.

All my love!

Danielle Mallett