Boundaries Are Not Unkind

I read this piece from Diary of a girl looking on Substack, and I felt seen. I highly recommend reading it.

My Parents Inspired Me To Be Nothing like Them

How many of us shaped ourselves in the ways that felt safest, erasing parts of ourselves to please others?

This is one of the powerful lines from her post.

“Silence became my safest option. I made myself small, agreeable, invisible. Not because I lacked a personality, but because having one felt dangerous. And that survival strategy worked… until it didn’t.”

As a mom now, I overanalyze my children’s behavior and my own.

How are they dimming their light to fit my needs?

I’m also asking how they are free to shine their light and how I can give them more space to be who they are.

I’m not perfect.

I have needs too. Surprise! Moms have needs, too, and we matter.

I have started voicing my needs to my kids lately. It helps me be aware of what I’m feeling, and it helps them know to.

For example, the kids are hanging on me, and I’m in the middle of making dinner.

“I need to make dinner right now, and I don’t appreciate you hanging all over my body while I do that. You can help make dinner or go watch TV or play, but hanging on me right now is not an option.”

If I have less time and patience.

“Get off of me. I don’t like that right now.”

Nothing wrong with a firm body boundary.

It might sound harsh in the moment, but my kids know there is love behind it, and at a different time, they can hang on me; we can play, but this is not that time.

Reading Diary of a girl looking reminded me of how scary it used to feel to let my personality shine, to be loud, to disagree, and to stand out. Now that I'm in my 40’s and I have two little children watching, I refuse to be silent and to hide even if living this way feels dangerous.

Thank you, Diary of a girl looking, for sharing so openly and vulnerably. I’m happy to have found your writing.

Love Always,

Danielle Mallett