Is It Good for a 5-Year-Old to Be Self-Reflective? A Mother’s Honest Look at Grief, Parenting, and Emotional Awareness

My son’s teacher told me he is self-reflective, and when I walked away, my eyes teared up.

Is that good or bad? Am I ruining him? Are you supposed to be self-reflective at 5 years old? I had to force the tears down.

It was too early to cry, especially when I didn’t know if they should be happy or sad tears. I hate that word, should...

My point is, none of us really know if we are doing any of this parenting stuff right, and maybe that’s okay.

As long as we’re being self-reflective about it, maybe that’s the best we can hope for; it’s the best I can do right now. Maybe self-reflective is a positive thing to have as a five-year-old.

I know I was self-reflective as a 5-year-old, but that’s because my self became a girl without a mom, and I compared myself to everyone who had a mom.

I looked around and saw whole people with whole families, while I was broken and missing something fundamental to happiness and wholeness. That absence defined me for a long time.

I was more than self-reflective at 5-years old. I was also empathic and highly aware that the tragedy of death could happen at any time.

I could feel how much my dad was struggling with my moms death. I could see how sad, tired, lost, and heartbroken he was.

I could feel it in my aunt too, even though she was better at hiding it. I knew sadness too well; tragic sadness became my safe place.

I became overly concerned with making sure my dad and aunt were okay. I watched endless adults shove down horrific all encompassing feelings and carry on with business as usual.

Sure they had cracks and some days they feel apart, but in my mind I saw the people around me freeze with grief. Seeing my innocent joyful face often brought this mixed look in their eyes. Were they happy or sad. Mostly sad. Sad my mom wasn't and wouldn't be there to see me grow. It's a wonder they didn't cry everyday. I know I would have, but I guess it was their "job" to be strong, stoic, to show me life goes on.

It became my "job" to care for their tender hearts, to shower them with love and light, to uplift them, to make them smile.

So I don't know, is it bad to be self-reflective, maybe I think it is negative because my self-reflection can easily turn into dwelling on the past and over analyzing the complex nature of everyone I love.

Anyway, I hope this post makes you feel less alone if you're like me. It's an exhausting job to walk though this world without a parent and to navigate how to be a child in a world full of heartbroken adults.

Love always,

Danielle Mallett